Long Road to Ruin

I hate it when someone says 'we live only once'. Yeah, I know we do. It just freaks me that I, in fact, have been wasted all these years. You know that 9 ye ol Indonesian blogger? Yea her. She is one of those unpredictably amazing people that make me feel like crap. 9, only 9 and she's already been a swanky writer and fashion retoucher/photographer or whatever she actually is. Pointbeing, she is just too young and phenomenal. Then there is this college mate, whose age is only 22, but he's been managing the American Eagle Outfitters for quite a while, can you believe that? American Eagle! in 22! People these days are such ... dream snappers. I always dreamt to be such a strong figure, but who am I in the reality? what is my specialization? I don't know, none maybe. See I had retired from pro-tennis, I am far from hype, and neither am I a workaholic. Shit, I have never been damn good in a thing.

I used to say to myself, who the fuck cares, as long as I am happy and true, I will be on the right track. But no, I am actually not. It took me so long to realize that I have made the wrong choice and I am not happy. Frankly speaking, I have been down for many times in Humber. Humber is a good school, with the award winning faculty, program, campus life, and the list goes on. But I just don't feel this is exactly where I would belong.

So the other day, I finally found the courage to talk to my dad that I wanted to transfer to York. A university that's got a varsity debating society, historical prides, awesome fraternities, the legendary 'Goddess of Democracy' statue, and most importantly, they got the infamous Rexdall Tennis Court, yes, the court that's been used for grand slam tournaments. At first, my dad was furious that I, out of nowhere, desired to ditch humber. He said I had always been like this since I was in high school. I agreed him and owned the utterance. But then as I slowly explained him my current state in honest yet humble way, he started listening to me and finally understood. Well, he didn't only understand, indeed, he turned really boosterish, he even SUPPORTED me when I was about to turn the idea down (which was really surprising).

Although I am officially permitted to transfer, I'd been worrying whether this is the best path for me. I got things to be sacrificed here. I pondered, what if things don't work out as I planned, what if I am getting old and I still suck in life, what if it's just gonna be another waste of everything. What if I will still be unhappy?

It had been bugging my head until I remembered this quote my best friend once said to me, and finally got calmed down right away. "Well kris, you're young, you can do anything you want in your life" J.A. Yeah I am fucked up, and so what? I am alive dammit, I believe I haven't even reached the first quartile of my long long road, I still got years to fix myself. Nobody insists me to be sensational at this very second. There's no rush, is there? Some are big at 27, some even 40, and I am still 18. Fuck those young richies, fuck those young talented people. Oh and I know Someday, I promise someday the moment finally arises, I will be a lot bigger than them. I promise. For myself. And for my dad.

Home and Love

Few days ago, I re-watched this fawsome Indonesian movie called 3 Hari Untuk Selamanya (Three days to forever). The movie tells a story of Yusuf (Nicholas Saputra),  a middle-class muslim guy who has been assigned the task of transporting an ancient dinner set for his relative's wedding at an Indonesian town called Yogyakarta. Normally, such an important responsibility would prove no problem for a clean cut young man like Yusuf, but when his unpredictable cousin Ambar (Adinia Wirasti) decides to come along for the ride, a delivery that was supposed to take just one day becomes a three day odyssey into the hedonistic world of contemporary youth culture.

When I saw it for the first time years ago, I didn't quite feel the spirit of the movie. But now I feel like I am emotionally attached by it, I think the hubbubs of Ambar and Yusuf's lives excellently reflect the common circumstances encountered in most of Indonesian's post-adolescences. I don't exactly know why, but maybe because I'm currently transitioning to a young adult, I can definitely relate to this movie. It got me homesick! I miss the convenience of living in Indonesia and I can't stop playing one of the movie's soundtrack songs, float-pulang, on repeat. This movie made me contemplate (again), why did I ever decide to leave such an amazing country in which my loved ones reside. Indonesia has got its 'distinct' environment, the mix between traditional and modern lifestyle makes it really easy for everybody to fall in love. Isn't it beautiful huh? compared to the bustling city of toronto where love, withers. Torontonians are able to define the use of money, but they just don't understand the sweet meaning of life, as we, Indonesians do.

Not to mention, everything is pirated in Indonesia (which is good), I can buy 2 good-quality dvds for a dollar right in front of my home. I can buy (originally) hundreds bucks software for literally thousand times cheaper. Information flows very quickly. Every guy owns at least a fake pair of nudie jeans, the gals are such sweet babes, the pride, the formals, the malls, the movies, ahhh, only Indonesian could understand. I want to turn grey and fucking die in Indonesia!

If I could just transfer my credits to a decent Indonesian university, if it just worked as It does here, or If I just didn't have to start over, believe me, I would go back home. Yes! regardless the months of studying SAT and crafting essays for the scholarship, regardless the thousand times better working opportunity and standard of living, I would go back, heck, I would. After few months apart from my family and my best friends, I have come to realize, life is not always about getting rich. I used to not believe this, but it's actually true, money doesn't define happiness. There were days here, when I got so blue, something was always aching in my heart, and I knew, that must be because I didn't feel complete and content here. Oh yes for fuck's sake, I regret it. I regret coming here :(

Every single person thinks he/she is the most justified individual. Some people say it is okay to smoke marijuana, but not cigarette. Some people say cigarette is a lot better, since it doesn't damage your brain. Some people drink beer, some not. Some men even think it is a sin to stare at women's eyes. There are people who urge us to invest for the afterlife, they scream religious prophecies and everything, while there are also people like my atheist roommate, who think it is a complete nonsense.

During my last winter break, I got a big fight with a friend (now ex-friend) who said that he got bugged by what I did. Though I personally believe what I did was really simple and caused no harm to anybody, he had exaggeratedly gotten mad so so bad. He thought he cared a lot about me as that he called me simple minded, immature, and real-friendless. I was very offended by his words and I tried my best not to lose my temper. And know what, it turned out he was the one who yelled at me, defriended me on facebook plus other social networking services, and eventually slammed my room's door. I could careless about that, he was never a full-time friend anyway. It is just sad to know, it's true that some people's maturity just doesn't follow up their ages.

See, I am not an ethical relativist, but, I strongly believe that we simply can't judge. We are just the way we are. We value different norms since, probably, we came from different background, were raised in different environment, or got influenced by different inspirations. And I think that is simply just how it works, everybody is fine by their own way.

Judging is truly overrated, especially the inauthentic judgement developed from someone/something else, it is just hypocritical. We can't interfere with someone's belief, indeed, I think it is wrong to just say things about it. My religion taught me to believe what I think is right to me and let others believe what they think is right to them, oh, I am really proud to embrace this everyday. Can't people just say 'oh, okay' to something they dislike, think about their own lives and start fixing themselves by their own way, instead of declaring war and condemning the opposing party. Can't they? I can.

Meet My Brothers and Sisters

Friends may come and go, but family will always be prior to me. They are the love of my life, I miss them so fucking bad. Kannia, Abhi, Banisa, Sheila, Masden, Bawi, Masandro.

About English

I have been in Canada for almost 5 months. 5 fuckin months. I still speak, write, and listen as bad as I did before I came here. You know, it sucks when a professor says to you, 'I meant to give you full marks, the idea is really good, but the wording just doesn't polish it'. It sucks to not strike up a conversation in the middle of a dorm party or a joint smoking, just because I can't follow slangs. 

I was raised in a simple indonesian family who always spoke indonesian-sundanese. I went to public indonesian schools, from kindergarten to secondary school. My parents never believed in language course (or maybe they just couldn't afford the fees) so I never took english courses for more than 3 months. I did have english classes at school, but the teachers were just pfft. I guess the only phase that really built my english was, when I started english/english-debating club in my high school. I participated in competitions and I met those public speaking gods and goddesses. Then I somehow tried to copy their fluency.

And my only grammar learning was when I studied to ace the SAT and to write scientific essays, in order to be eligible for various college scholarship programs. That is of course far from enough. When I knew I would come here, I said to myself, don't worry I'll get used and will eventually speak like a native. But no! when I got here, people that I met were more likely to adjust their understanding with my style of speaking -_-. So yeah, I would still struggle twice harder to finish papers, case studies, blablabla than anybody here would.

However, I used to think I am that good in english. I inadequately mixed english and indonesian in conversation. I trained myself to pronounce some words in british accent, and now, people make fun of my undefinable accent. I gave people tips on how to improve their english. Now, I'm sick of myself. I can't believe I really did that. So, pals, don't end up the same. If you're not so good on something, don't even bother to show off.

I Suck at Taking Pictures

I have been carrying my camera around lately. I think it is funny that a lot of people thought I am a real photographer. The workers, at a sushi restaurant across the street, said that they were amazed by how cool my camera looked (they were so so nice, so I took some crappy pictures of them haha *as you can see). Then people at rez council. Then My roommate's friends. Everybody. Ugh, hahaha. I mean I wish I were one, but honestly, I am so far from being a photographer. I like pictures, a lot! I am just too lazy to get my ass studying camera manuals, I just love clicking the shutter without thinking. Oh, wait, I just remembered,  that's actually one of LOMO golden rules!!!!! Yeah I guess that's the best way to phrase it, I am more a lomographer than a professional photographer. Haha, sick.

And the worst yet strangest thing happened lately is, one of my friends, a designer, even trusted me to do the lookbook of her collection. I was totally shocked. I told her I don't professionally understand how to use a complex dslr, I mean, I know how aperture-shutter mode, iso, and white balance work, but else than that, no. I don't know how to shoot in a proportional angle or somethin like that. But this crazy girl said she liked my shots and decided she would take the risk cause she thought anything free is good. The result, I ended up having a photo shoot for her today. It was fun, though mostly I didn't exactly know what I was doing, but, I did try my best to incorporate her vision towards the collection.

At this moment, the photos still look like another sack of pictures. I wish I could retouch it really soon and make them look lookbookably fabulous, but yeah, my volunteer works have been quite tight lately, and again I suck at photoshopping too, thus it's likely gonna be a really really slow progress. I hope I'll get it executed (beautifully) before the end of this month haha. Oh, and if any of you has done fashion retouching before and happen to be voluntarily willing to help a desperate little pal here with some tips, please please please please, get me in touch really really soon okay!

Contemplate

When I was re-watching skins (the british shows) the other day, I suddenly recalled my high school memories. I remembered, once, I got an unreasonably difficult visual art project in grade 10. I panicked because it was midnight, the assignment was supposed to be done the next morning, and I got that stupid massive headache. But I ended up fine, cause my mom was there for me. She made me a tea, did my project, and asked me to get some rest. I went to my room and watched skins instead.

My days were always like that. I never got down for too long. Whenever I was stranded, shit happened, or I got an effin frantic day, I always got someone's shoulder to lean on. I could always just go to my room, watch skins. After bearing that other kids somewhere were fucked up worse than I was, I got fixed right away. I was always worried, but I always knew I would end up just fine. Well I was obviously not the most friendful person in the entire world, but, I always, always, got someone to give me one on one help 24/7. And I realized now, that was such a rare thing.

Now, I don't fit in my new classes, people there are just pfft. I got like tons of things to do I couldn't breathe.  I never get panicked here, cause I know, no one would even think of lending a hand (I don't know if it's good or bad). Although I got people to throw random thoughts to, but most of the time, they got their own things to do (and it's not their fault). It just feels a lot worse now than it used to be. I think I miss how convenient my life was. I have been very blue these days. I have been feeling very empty.

Yesterday, Carley introduced me to her friend, Sara, a really nice and friendly girl who happens to love photography (I wish I had a camera that good). The weather was just perfectly suiting my mood when Carley initiated us to walk down the lake. The sky was a little bit shiny and gloomy, the snow was on the ground, the wind was not so cold, perfect.

And there we were, enjoying the scene of a beautiful lake, watching swans doing nothing, pondering what does life really mean (?) (or at least, I was).